Lord of the Things: Fellowship of the Thing
by Metal Gear Prime
Summary: Megatron races against time to build Unicron's new army, but will he like the price he must pay to do so? Mind you, it's pretty obvious he won't, which makes it a bit pointless to ask, doesn't it? Dang it...
1. Prologue

Lord of the Things: Fellowship of the Thing

By Metal Gear Prime

Summary: The Transformers do The Fellowship of the Ring! A sure fire hit if ever there was one, right? Right?

Chapter 1: Prologue

Open up with a blank screen as the voice of Beast Machines Blackarachnia is heard.

**Blackarachnia: **The world is changing. I feel it…in the earth. I smell it…in the air. I hear it…on the news. Much of what once was is lost, thanks to the fact no one thought to write it down. Silly bastards.

The title "Lord of the Things" appears. The scene changes to show Blackarachnia and two generic Maximals staring at their hands, which are off camera.

**Blackarachnia: **Eons ago, Things of Power were created to govern the land of Middle Cybertron. Three went to the Beast Warriors, most interesting and best acted of them all.

Switch now to seven generic G1 Transformers raising their Things as if in a toast. The Things remain off camera.

**Blackarachnia: **Seven to the Generation One beings, most fondly remembered and capable of the cheesiest situations.

The scene switches to the Dinobots and Rotor Force, who look from their Things (off camera of course) to the camera.

**Blackarachnia: **And nine to the Sub-Groups, who above all else desired more screen time.

A map is now seen, focusing on the land of Snoredor. 

**Blackarachnia: **But they were all of them deceived. For in the fires of Mount BOOM!, the Dark Lord Unicron forged a Master Thing. And into this Thing he poured his malice, his hatred and his love of American Soap Operas. One Thing to rule them all.

Show Unicron put the Thing on his finger.

**Unicron: **SURGE!!!!

**Blackarachnia: **And so it came to pass that a final alliance of Beast Warriors and G1ers marched to Snoredor and initiated a battle for the future of Middle Cybertron.

An absolutely massive brawl commences. Get used to it.

**Blackarachnia:** Things were going quite well…

We see Primus, King of the land of Gonpork, heroically slaying an enemy half his size while Optimus Prime, King of the land of Lotsofcash, directing the gunners.

**Blackarachnia: **…until a certain Dark Lord decided to enter the fray.

A loud boom is heard, followed shortly by a second. Everyone turns to see Unicron, wearing the Thing, approach. Three times the size of anyone present and even stronger than that, Unicron starts to smash the G1/Beast Warriors with his massive mace. Primus charges the goliath and a second later becomes a smear on the far rock face. His son, and the new King of Gonpork, Jazz witnesses this sight and rushes over to his father's gooey corpse. As he laments, Unicron sneaks up behind him. Jazz manages to detect Unicron and reaches for Primus' sword. Unfortunately, Unicron steps on the sword as Jazz lifts it, leaving the young king with the hilt and a jagged bit of the blade.

**Blackarachnia: **Just when all hope seemed lost, Jazz took up his father's blade and, in the flukiest moment ever recorded, cut the Thing from Unicron's hand.

We see this happening. Unicron explodes forthwith.

**Blackarachnia:** Left now with the Thing, Jazz had this one chance to destroy evil forever. Three guesses what he did.

We see Jazz a few days later, riding atop a horse and wearing the Thing around his neck. After a few seconds, Jazz stops the horse, a puzzled look upon his face.

**Jazz: **Why am I riding a horse? I turn into a Porsche, for crying out loud.

Before anyone could answer his query, a pack of wild Terrorcons attacked the party. Being the brave bot that he was, Jazz slips on the Thing.

**Jazz: **SURGE!!!!

Jazz turns invisible and legs it, leaving his soldiers to become the Terrorcons' light brunch. Diving into a river, he attempts to swim for the far shore, during which the Thing falls off his finger and sinks to the bottom of the river. Just as he is about to try to retrieve it, Jazz hears a cry from the riverbank.

**Hun-Grr: **Hey, there he is!

**Jazz: **Crap.

The Terrorcons merge into Abominus and blows Jazz into tiny pieces with his cannon. Meanwhile the Thing is seen resting on the riverbed. 

**Blackarachnia: **The Thing, having successfully betrayed Jazz to his enemies, lay at the bottom of the riverbed for centuries, waiting for a new, and much smarter, host.

We see a hand scooping the Thing up.

**Blackarachnia: **It was to be sorely disappointed.

We now see that it is a young ant bot by the name of Scavenger who has snagged the Thing. His best friend Waspinator walks up to him.

**Waspinator: **What Ant-bot have in his hand?

**Scavenger: **Dunno. It seems to be a Thing of some sort.

**Waspinator: **Ooh! Can Wazzzzzpinator see?

**Scavenger **(suddenly possessive)**: **NO! It's mine! It's my birthday present!

**Waspinator: **Birthday present? But your birthday isn't for another three months.

**Scavenger: **What's your point?

**Waspinator: **What the big deal anyway? It's just a stupid Thing.

**Scavenger: **You have insulted the Queen! BUUUUUURRRRRNNNNN!

Scavenger whips out a flamethrower and melts Waspinator. He then looks at the Thing in his hand lovingly.

**Scavenger: **My Queeeeeeen…

Scavenger runs off as the goo that was Waspinator bubbles a bit.

**Waspinator: **Why literary works of art hate Wazzzzzpinator?

**Blackarachnia: **And so it was that the Thing twisted Scavenger's mind and body for the next few centuries. Now called Inferno, the ant bot used the Thing to prolong his life and make himself invisible. Why? Who knows?

We see Inferno put the Thing on his finger.

**Inferno: **SURGE!!!!

**Blackarachnia: **Then, one day, the Thing sensed that its Master was rebuilding his armies to their former strength and was ready to renew his assault on Middle Cybertron. It left Inferno for this reason. Well, that and the fact that it was tired of telling him to stop referring to it as "My Queen". Not long after it had left the lunatic, it had the misfortune to be picked up by the unlikeliest creature imaginable.

**Beachcomber: **Heyyyyy man, what's this groovy trinket I'm seeing?

Beachcomber picks up the Thing and examines it.

**Beachcomber: **Whoa dude, this is the shiniest Thing I've ever seen!

Beachcomber is startled by a terrifying yelling coming from a distance.

**Inferno: **The Queen has been kidnapped! Whoever has done this shall BUUUUUURRRRRRNNNNN!

**Beachcomber **(storing the Thing in a subspace pocket)**: **Far out, man!

**Blackarachnia: **And so it was that the Thing went to The Mire, the home of the Minibots. A place where, many years later, young Warpath Baggins will carry the fate of the whole of Middle Cybertron.

**Warpath: **KABLAM! ZOWIE!

**Blackarachnia: **…I think I need a stiff drink…

To be continued…


	2. The party to end all parties

Chapter 2: The party to end all parties

We see a young Minibot by the name of Warpath Baggins reclining against a tree in the Mire, taking in all of nature's beauty. Occasionally he would shift to tank mode and take a few potshots at a passing bird or a deer, but for the most part he quietly sat and thought. Presently he hears a horse and carriage coming down the path a few feet away from him. Excited, Warpath got up and ran to the edge of the path, where a white robot wearing a gray robe and pointy hat was riding the carriage towards the house known as The End.

**Warpath: **You're KABLAM! ZOOM! late.

The robot lifts his head to look at Warpath, revealing that he is the powerful wizard Ratchet the Gray.

**Ratchet: **A wizard is never late, Warpath Baggins, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to, which is when someone is needed to sacrifice themselves in a blaze of pyrotechnics.

The duo gaze at each other sternly for a moment before bursting into laughter. Warpath leaps into Ratchet's arms, unfortunately smashing his chest plate with his tank barrel.

**Ratchet: **Ow.

Some minutes later, after Ratchet had repaired the damage, he and Warpath had ridden into the heart of the Mire, where the resident Minibots welcomed/threw rotten fruit respectively at the wizard, who gave Warpath a quizzical look.

**Warpath: **After you ZING! POW! took Beachcomber on that adventure some years back, a few Minibots declared you a Disturber of the Peace.   

**Ratchet: **A Disturber of the Peace, eh? What does that mean?

**Warpath: **Not much, just ZAP! CRUNCH! that everyone can legally pelt you with rotten fruit…

A cow suddenly comes flying out of nowhere and beans Ratchet on the noggin.

**Warpath: **…or livestock. You OK?

**Ratchet **(dazed)**: **I'm fine, thank you Susan.

Eventually, the duo reaches The End, where they are greeted by Warpath's gardener and best friend Seaspray Gamgee. The two Minibots leave to prepare for the party as Ratchet knocks on Beachcomber's door.

**Beachcomber: **Heyyyyy, man. What groovy cat's rappin' at my door?

**Ratchet: **An old friend.

Beachcomber opens the door of The End, letting out a copious amount of incense and other, much less legal types of smoke. The duo hug.

**Beachcomber: **Ratchet, my man! How's every little thing?

**Ratchet: **Splendid, apart from the groin beetles I picked up two days ago.

The duo enter The End, where Beachcomber takes Ratchet's hat and staff. He proceeds to the kitchen as Ratchet blindly tries to find his way through the smoke.

**Ratchet: **So, looking forward to your party?

POW! Ratchet walks into a protruding beam.

**Beachcomber: **I sure am, my Trendy Helmeted friend. And I've got a little surprise for all those who attend.

**Ratchet: **This better not be like your last little surprise. I'm still trying to get the tapioca pudding out of my favorite robes.

Ratchet opens a door which he thinks will lead him to the living room. Stepping forward, he proceeds to crash down an extremely long set of stairs, ending with a loud CLANG!

**Beachcomber: **Dude! You alright?

A small, painful moan emanates from the basement.

A few hours later… 

We see Warpath walking amongst the other Minibots as the party rages on. Sparing a glance at Ratchet, who's dancing with all the grace of an epileptic camel, he sits next to Seaspray. Following his friend's gaze, the tank sees a very attractive female Minibot by the name of Ignition at the next table.

**Warpath: **You gonna KABOOM! WOW! ask her to dance?

**Seaspray: **Are you kidding? How could I posshibly ashk her to danche?

**Warpath: **Simple. Just SPLAT! VROOM! say "Do you wanna dance?"

**Seaspray: **Really? Wow, that ISH eashy!

Seaspray makes his way to Ignition's table. A small distance away, we see Bumblebee Meriadoc and Cliffjumper Took fiddling with a rocket of sorts.

**Cliffjumper: **Are you sure about this?   

**Bumblebee: **Of course I'm sure! When have any of my plans ever gone wrong?

**Cliffjumper: **Three hours ago, remember? The plan involving Huffer, a roll of flypaper and half a ton of bear grease? Now there's a scene that only thirty years worth of therapy can erase.

**Bumblebee: **Okay, I admit that plan was somewhat ill-judged. But THIS one is pure gold! Honest!

**Cliffjumper: **So what is the plan?

**Bumblebee: **We fire this…(reads the label on the rocket)…"Surface to Surface Missile" that Ratchet brought with him and liven this party up a bit.

**Cliffjumper: **Sounds good to me!

Bumblebee pushes a button marked "Activate". The missile shoots into the sky before crashing right in the middle of the party. The resulting explosion sends Minibots flying everywhere. Cut back to Bumblebee and Cliffjumper, both of whom look a bit spooked.

**Cliffjumper: **…

**Bumblebee: **That…might not have been a fancy firework.

**Cliffjumper: **I bet we'll get blamed for this.

**Ratchet: **You're not wrong.

The two Minibots turn around to see a seriously pissed off (and somewhat singed) Ratchet glaring at them.

**Bumblebee/Cliffjumper: **Eep.

An hour later, after everyone had pulled themselves together, Beachcomber stood on a stage facing the revelers.

**Beachcomber: **Heyyyyy, you groovy dudes and dudettes. Now that everything's quieted down a tad…

Cut to Ratchet, Cliffjumper and Bumblebee. The wizard has both Minibots in an extremely complicated submission move.

**Ratchet: **Apologize, damn you!

**Cliffjumper: **No!

**Bumblebee: **A thousand times no!

Back with Beachcomber…

**Beachcomber: **As all you crazy cats know, I'm all about honesty and telling it like it is. That's why I'm comfortable telling you that I've siphoned all of your bank accounts and am going to live it up in the G1 land of Lotsofcash.

**Minibots: **Awww, isn't that…WHAT?!?!

**Beachcomber: **So long, suckers! NYAAAAAAA!

Beachcomber puts the Thing on his finger.

**Beachcomber: **SURGE!!!!

Beachcomber disappears, much to the shock of the Minibots and Ratchet. The wizard's eyes widen.

**Ratchet: **Well, this is ominous.

Cut to Warpath, who is also wide-eyed.

**Warpath: **Hey Seaspray, did you SPLORT! WHACK! see that? 

When no reply is forthcoming, Warpath turns to find that Seaspray is missing.

**Warpath: **Seaspray?

Cut now to a grassy grove, where two silhouettes are lying down.

**Ignition: **Oh, Seaspray!

**Seaspray: **SHCORE!

To be continued…  


	3. Whose Thing is it Anyway?

Chapter 3: Whose Thing is it Anyway?

We're inside The End as the front door opens then closes. After a few seconds of silence a chuckling Beachcomber reappears, the thing off his finger. As he starts to pack his belongings he hears someone running towards The End. Suddenly Ratchet dives in through the closed window, sending glass shards everywhere. The wizard looks around the room and finds Beachcomber staring at him.

**Ratchet: **Aw hell, you're here already.

**Beachcomber: **Did you want something?

**Ratchet: **I wish to discuss that Thing of yours.

**Beachcomber: **Thing? What Thing?

**Ratchet: **The Thing you're fondling in an increasingly disturbing way.

**Beachcomber: **Oh, you mean THIS Thing?

Beachcomber allows Ratchet the tiniest glimpse of the Thing.

**Ratchet: **Yes, that Thing. Where, precisely, did you find it?

**Beachcomber: **This gnarly trinket? I, um…found it in a horse's nose.

Silence.

**Ratchet:** …A horse's nose.

**Beachcomber: **Yes. Or it might have been a gumball machine. I can't remember which.

**Ratchet: **Riiiiiiiight. Look, you wouldn't mind if I had a look at…

**Beachcomber **(suddenly possessive)**: **NO! You can't have it! It's mine! My Queeeeeeeeeen…

**Ratchet: **My Queen? I've heard others use that phrase before, but…

**Beachcomber: **Ohhhh, I see your bogus game now. You're trying to distract me, take the Thing for yourself! Well, it won't work you un-hip crook!

**Ratchet **(angry)**: **BEACHCOMBER BAGGINS!

Focus on Beachcomber as he backs away from Ratchet, a look of utter terror on his face. Cut back to Ratchet, who had morphed into his truly terrifying toy model (no head, oddly proportioned limbs, etc).

**Ratchet: **I'M NOT TRYING TO ROB YOU…

Ratchet transforms back to his normal self.

**Ratchet: **…I'm trying to help you. The robbing comes later.

**Beachcomber: **Oh, Ratchet!

Beachcomber hugs Ratchet. It's a tender moment, ruined when Beachcomber uses the hug to steal Ratchet's wallet.

**Beachcomber: **Well, I'm off!

Beachcomber quickly packs up a few more belongings and heads for the door. A cough from Ratchet stops him. 

**Ratchet: **Beachcomber…

**Beachcomber: **Yes?

**Ratchet: **You still have the Thing.

**Beachcomber: **Thing? What Thing?

**Ratchet: **Oh for the love of mustard…

After some 'gentle persuasion' from the wizard, Beachcomber drops the Thing. It goes right through the floor. After treating Ratchet to a traditional Minibot farewell, (which consists of a kick to the groin and a poke in the eyes), Beachcomber transformed to dune buggy mode and drove off towards Lotsofcash. Ratchet stared after him for a moment before making his way to the basement stairs. After falling down said stairs Ratchet came across the Thing on the floor. As his fingers touch it, we and the wizard see a large nose surrounded by flame. Ratchet looks perturbed.

*****

Some time later Ratchet is sitting in front of the fire in The End, smoking his Omni-Ciggie (now with the same amount of smoke as fifty normal cigarettes!). As he sits there pondering his last words with Beachcomber Warpath enters the house, smashing down the door in his tank mode.

**Warpath: **Hey, FREEOW! SPANK! Beachcomber! Where are…

Warpath enters the room where Ratchet is. He face, or what we can see of it, falls.

**Warpath: **He's BZZZZZZ! CRACKLE! gone, isn't he?

This startles Ratchet back to awareness. He turns around and smiles at Warpath.

**Ratchet: **I'm afraid so. But on a brighter note, he's left you The End and all that is within it.

**Warpath: **Really?

**Ratchet: **Well, it's either you or Mad Minnie from the supermarket. I can't remember which.

A shrill lunatic cackling can be heard coming somewhere. Warpath looks spooked as Ratchet puts the Thing in an envelope and seals it some bubblegum. He hands to Warpath and then makes for the door.

**Warpath: **Hey, where are you GRRRR! ARF! going?

**Ratchet: **Nowhere special, just to an ancient archive to see if that Thing is actually the harbringer of a terrible and evil doom.

**Warpath: **Oh. OK!

*****

Cut now to Snoredor, where Inferno is being tortured by the Nine Thingwraiths. After much yelling and trashing about, the ant-bot screams out five words.

**Inferno: **MIRE! BAGGINS! METAL GEAR PRIME!

**Manta Ray: **Okay, so the Thing is in the Mire with some Minibot named Baggins. Who's this 'Metal Gear Prime' joker?

**Grimlock **(shuddering)**: **A devil that's escaped our notice for far too long. Now, my Thingwraiths, we ride!

**Thingwraiths: **WOO!

The Thingwraiths ride out of Snoredor. Meanwhile, Ratchet has arrived at the archive and is being shown to the documents he needs by Thundercracker, the keeper of the archive.

**Thundercracker: **Don't be getting' many wizards around these 'ere parts, ya know.

**Ratchet: **Yes, yes, as you've told me nine times already. Just show me the damn documents!

Thundercracker leads Ratchet to a large chamber stacked to the rafters with old documents. Ratchet boggles at the sight.

**Ratchet: **THIS is the documentation of the last Thing War?!?

**Thundercracker: **Hmm? Oh no, this 'ere's only the appendix. Over there are the actual papers on the Thing War.

Ratchet follows Thundercracker's finger to a line of seventeen vaults. Vault No. 1 is marked with the words 'The Thing War: Books 1-1,000,000. Ratchet stares at the vaults in mute horror.

**Ratchet: **This might take a while…

Ten hours later, and ravaged by an overabundance of coffee and stay-awake pills, Ratchet stared at Book 2,000,022 with manic eyes under the worried gaze of Thundercracker.

**Ratchet: **This is ridiculous! Where the hell is Jazz's account of the One Thing? Why are all these books filled with grooming routines of Primus' pet koala bears?!? ARRRRGH!

**Thundercracker: **Wait…did y'all say that you're looking for documents on Jazz and that purty Thing of his?

**Ratchet: **Yes. Why?

**Thundercracker: **Well, shucks! All ya had to do was use the DVD player in the corner. 

**Ratchet: **…What?

**Thundercracker: **Yep, everything you wanted to know about Jazz and the One Thing all on one handy, time saving disc.

**Ratchet **(trying to suppress his rage)**: **Why…didn't…you…tell…me…this…before?!?

**Thundercracker: **Well, y'all looked so determined with yer pointy hat and long flowing robes that I…say, what're y'all gonna do with that table?

Minutes later, and with the remains of Thundercracker lying peacefully on the ground behind him, Ratchet activated the DVD player and watched as a picture of Jazz filled the TV screen. The former King of Gonpork turns and smiles at the camera.

**Jazz: **Hi there! If you're watching this special Collector's Edition DVD, then you're obviously wondering if your Thing is in fact the One Thing of Evil and Doom.

Jazz gets up and walks over to a roaring fireplace. Standing on the other side of the fireplace is Skywarp, who's grinning cheesily at the camera.

**Jazz: **To find out the truth, simply use this test. First take your Thing…

A Thing magically appears in Skywarp's hand.

**Jazz: **…and chuck it into the nearest fire.

Skywarp does so.

**Jazz: **After a second or two, pull the Thing out of the fire – remember to use tongs, now – and check the Thing for any mysterious G1ish writing.

Skywarp pulls the Thing out of the fire (using the tongs, naturally) and shows it to the camera. It's a melted mess, but there is nothing on it.

**Jazz: **Now remember: if the Thing is clear, then there's nothing to fear! If writing there be, better you than me!

**Skywarp: **And that's a guarantee!

The duo give the thumbs up sign as the words "Warning – not an actual guarantee" flash on the bottom of the screen. The TV switches off.

**Ratchet:** Well…that was reassuring.

Cut now to a house not far from the Mire as a devilishly handsome Minibot by the name of Metal Gear Prime exits said house and walks out onto the road.

**MG Prime: **Ahhhh, nothing like a self-insertion to truly make a bot feel special.

Suddenly Grimlock rides towards MG Prime on horseback, drawing his sword with obvious intent.

**MG Prime: **Oh bloody he…

SLICE!

To be continued…     


	4. Go west, young Warpath

Chapter 4: Go west, young Warpath

We're now in The End, watching as Warpath cooks something on the fire. Presently Ratchet dives in through the (open) window.

**Warpath: **The door was BORT! POO! open.

**Ratchet: **I know, but it just isn't the same. By the way, what's cooking?

**Warpath: **Mad Minnie.

Warpath pulls a well-done foot out of the flames.

**Warpath: **Want some?

**Ratchet: **Uh…no thanks. Do you still have the Thing?

**Warpath: **Of course.

Warpath pulls the Thing out of a subspace pocket and hands it to Ratchet, who immediately chucks it on the fire.

**Warpath: **What're you CHOW! BOP! doing?!?

Ratchet ignores the Minibot for a moment, focusing instead on the Thing as the envelope burns around it. Once satisfied that enough time has elapsed, the wizard pulls the Thing out of the fire using a pair of tongs.

**Ratchet: **Hold out your hand, Warpath.

Warpath gives Ratchet a doubtful look.

**Ratchet: **Don't worry, it's quite cool.

Warpath holds out his hand with great reluctance. Ratchet drops the Thing into his open palm, where it immediately starts to smoke and sizzle.

**Warpath: **EEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!

**Ratchet: **Whoops.

*****

A few minutes later…

**Ratchet: **Now then, do you see any symbols on the Thing?

**Warpath **(hand now bandaged)**: **No.

Ratchet breathes a sigh of relief.

**Warpath: **Wait! There's something MEOW! HISS! forming now! It looks like ancient G1sh writing and…a picture of a smiling bunny! How cute!

**Ratchet: **Yes, cute…and DEADLY!

**Warpath: **Huh?

**Ratchet: **That writing is the same as that used in Snoredor in ancient times. Roughly translated it means…

Ratchet takes a deep breath, then proceeds.

**Ratchet: **_This be the Thing of Unicron,_

_Filled with power beyond belief,_

_                If he finds that someone stole it,_

_                He'll make a necklace with their teeth._

**Warpath: **Huh. And the bunny?

**Ratchet: **Added on for extra menace, bunnies being the fiercest creatures occupying Middle-Cybertron at the time.

Warpath: Uh-huh. Now what?__ Ratchet: Now I must go to Nemesis and consult with the head of my order, who is both wise and powerful…well, powerful at least. You, my dear Minibot, must leave the Mire and head towards the town of SQUEE!, to the west of here, where I will meet up with you. Now hurry! The minions of Unicron already approach us. Cut to MG Prime, whose head is back on his shoulders thanks to copious amounts of tape, standing in the exact same spot as he was last chapter. MG Prime: HA! Foolish Thingwraith, I'm an author's avatar! I'm invincible! BWAHAHAHA… MG Prime is interrupted in his laugh by being run over by the remaining eight Thingwraiths on their way to the Mire. Once they've passed he painfully lifts his head out of the ground. MG Prime: Uggh…I haven't been in this much pain since I read that Skir/Budiansky script… Cut back to The End, as Warpath prepares for his journey, packing enough weapons to start a whole series of wars. Warpath: Well, I'm ready SPEW! GROOVY! to go. Ratchet: Excellent. You know, it is a pity that you couldn't find a lackey to accompany you on this quest, preferably one that you could use as a living shield if the need arose… At this precise moment Seaspray entered The End. Seaspray: Hey, Mishter Warpath! You wanna…oh, hello Mishter Ratchet! Why are you here? (pause) And why are you both looking at me like that? ***** 

A few hours later, in Farmer Kup's techno-organic corn field…

**Warpath: **Look, you're FRANGO! MERDE! going on a quest to save the whole of Middle-Cybertron. Can't you enjoy it?

**Seaspray: **What'sh to enjoy about it? I had a date planned for tomorrow with Ignition. Now, instead of that, I'm on a misshion that'sh more than likely gonna get me killed!

**Warpath: **And that's not APPLE! WOMBAT! enjoyable?

Seaspray turns around to face Warpath but is knocked down by Cliffjumper, who comes sprinting out from a row of stalks. A fraction of a second later Warpath is knocked down by Bumblebee, who was following Cliffjumper.

**Bumblebee: **Oh, hey Warpath!

**Seaspray: **Get offa him!

Seaspray gets up and lifts Bumblebee off Warpath.

**Bumblebee: **Hey, steady on!

**Cliffjumper: **Yeah! Or else we won't share these delicious techno-organic veggies.

**Warpath: **Did you TANG! DENT! just steal those from Farmer Kup?

**Cliffjumper: **Steal is such an ugly term. We prefer 'borrowing for an indefinite period of time'.

**Kup **(from a distance)**: **Dang it! Where did them little thieves get to? 

**Bumblebee: **And I got his pills! (reads the label on the box) "Take one every hour to avoid hyper-rage."

The Minibots give each other a worried look.

**Seaspray: **Hyper-rage…? 

An angry scream suddenly cuts through the air, followed by the sound of someone growing into a larger, more powerful form.

**Kup: **RRAAARGH! KUP SMASH PUNY THIEVES!

**Minibots: **Uh-oh.

*****

At this exact moment, we can see Ratchet approach Nemesis, a large tower which looks suspiciously like a warship standing on its end. As Ratchet walks to the entrance he is greeted by a fellow wizard, dressed in a flowing white robe, a black helmet and a fusion cannon. It is Megatron the White.

**Megatron: **So, Ratchet the Gray comes to Nemesis for advice and guidance.

**Ratchet: **Umm, aren't they the same thing?

**Megatron: **Must you always correct me?

The duo enter Nemesis and proceed to walk to Megatron's chambers.

**Megatron: **So, the Thing was in the Mire…

**Ratchet: **Yes. All these years, right under my nose.

**Megatron: **Humph. Your affection for the Halfbots blinds you.

**Ratchet: **What are you implying?

**Megatron: **Well…it's not my nature to gossip, but…

**Ratchet: **What?

**Megatron: **People are beginning to talk. Things like, "What's up with the pointy hat guy hanging around people half his height?" You know what people are like.

**Ratchet: **What people? What are you talking about?

**Megatron: **Oh look, we're here!

Megatron opens the doors to his chambers and enters, followed by Ratchet. The gray wizard's eyes widen when he sees the forbidden seeing device known as the Diagnostic Drone sitting on a pedestal in the middle of the room. Megatron sees the look on Ratchet's face and smirks.

**Megatron: **Why so shocked? Did you think we are above using the tools of the enemy to aid us?

**Ratchet: **No, but I do believe that it is dangerous to use the Diagnostic Drone when we have not accounted for the remaining number of them.

Ratchet grabs a cloth and drapes it over the Drone. As he does so, he sees the same flaming nose he saw when he touched the Thing. He looks at Megatron.

**Megatron: **You saw it too, yes? A great nose, illness free, sniffing out the location of the Thing. Rest assured, it will find what it is looking for and it will kill whoever gets in its way.

**Ratchet: **Warpath…!

Ratchet makes to leave the room but is stopped by the doors closing in his face.

**Megatron: **Do you not see the only course available, old friend? We must join with him.

Dramatic close-up of Megatron's face.

**Megatron: **We must join with Unicron.

Cut to Ratchet, who now wears a saddened expression.

**Ratchet: **Tell me…friend, when did Megatron the White replace reason with madness?

**Megatron: **Last Tuesday, around lunchtime.

**Ratchet: **Really? Well, at least that explains why you were running around wearing a panda suit and yelling, "I am the oyster! Koo koo ka choo!" at the Wizard's Annual Picnic.

**Megatron: **Enough talk! Will you join me?

**Ratchet: **No.****

**Megatron: **Very well. It saddens me that I have to be the one to send you on your way to oblivion.

Megatron rises from his chair and invokes a powerful incantation. The room is suddenly filled by a blinding light. When it subsides, we see that Ratchet and Megatron have been fused into one creature.

**Ratchet/Megatron: **NOT AGAIN!

*****

Nighttime, at the door to the town of SQUEE!…

**Bumblebee: **Man, what a screwy day.

**Seaspray: **No kidding! Firsht, we eshcape Kup, then we jusht barely manage to eshcape those weird Beige Riders!

**Cliffjumper: **So, is this the place we're supposed to meet Ratchet?

**Warpath: **Yep.

Warpath knocks on the door. A small section of it slides across revealing Dinobot, the SQUEE! watchman.

**Dinobot: **I am Dinobot. Speak, vermin!

**Warpath: **Yeah, we'd like SLICE! MINCE! to enter the town. 

**Dinobot: **And what business do you have here?

**Seaspray: **Our businessh ish our own!

**Bumblebee: **Yeah!

The door suddenly flies open, revealing a very angry Dinobot, sword in hand.

**Dinobot: **You dare use that tone of voice with the great Dinobot?!?

**Warpath: **Crap! RUN!

The Minibots runs past Dinobot and into SQUEE!

**Dinobot: **HEY! Wait…dammit, that's the tenth time this week.

Back with the Minibots as they look around the town.

**Warpath: **Let's see, Ratchet said CRAIS! AERYN! that he meet us at The Frilly Lampshade, which is…over there!

Warpath point sat a building shaped like a frilly lampshade. The Minibots enter to find a bar filled with the usual men and women of dubious morals. They walk over to the counter, where they are greeted by Rattrap the barman.

**Rattrap: **Eh, what can I do fer you squirts?

**Warpath: **Yes, I'd FRADOOM! THOK! to book a room for four, please.

**Rattrap: **Okay, and yer name?

**Warpath: **Mr. Snuggletrout. Oh, and can SHAKK! BAKAMM! you tell Ratchet the Gray that we've arrived.

**Rattrap: **Ratchet? Eh, sorry to tell ya kids, but Ratchet ain't been in here for six weeks.

A few minutes later, Warpath is sitting at a table trying to decide what to do next while Seaspray, Bumblebee and Cliffjumper eagerly await the drinks they ordered. As he thinks, Warpath notices a tall figure watching him from across the room. He's a red, gray and blue mechanoid with a yellow chest and a red helmet with a red and yellow visor. Warpath locks eyes with him for a moment as Rattrap delivers the drinks.

**Rattrap: **Here ya go!

**Warpath: **Excuse me, who's KARTCH! KOOM! that guy over there?  

**Rattrap: **Him? He's one of those Rangers that go about saving people and helping the less fortunate for free. Buncha shmucks…

**Warpath: **Yes, but who SWING! SWORD! is he specifically?

**Rattrap: **Well, no one knows his real name, but around here he's known as Retsalb.

**Warpath: **Retsalb… 

Warpath looks over to Retsalb again, but the Ranger is now smoking his pipe and seems to be lost in thought.

**Bumblebee: **So, what now Warpath?

**Seaspray: **Yeah, what now? Where do we go if Ratchet doeshn't show?

**Warpath: **I dunno. At any rate my SMEG! FRELL! identity must remain hidden at all – 

**Cliffjumper: **Warpath Baggins?

Warpath, Bumblebee and Seaspray turn as one towards the bar, where a drunk Cliffjumper is conversing with a group of roughs.

**Cliffjumper: **Sure I know Warpath Baggins! He's sitting right over there! 

Warpath leaps out of his chair and runs toward Cliffjumper.

**Warpath: **CLIFFJUMPER!

As he runs, Warpath fails to notice the discarded beer bottle on the ground in front of him. He slips on said bottle, which causes the Thing to fly out of its subspace compartment and somehow land on his finger as he falls to the ground.

**Warpath: **SUUUUUUUURGE!!!! 

 He immediately becomes invisible to the shock of the other patrons and to the interest of Retsalb.

Cut to Warpath, who is now in a shadowy version of the world he normally inhabits. As his eyes scan this dark realm, the Nose of Unicron suddenly appears, sniffing the air excitedly.

**Unicron: **I CAN SMELL YOU!

Frightened, Warpath manages to get the Thing off his finger, restoring him to the normal world. As he takes a relieved breath, he is grabbed from behind and dragged away.

Cut to the Thingwraiths who, having felt the use of the Thing, ride towards SQUEE!…

To be continued…


	5. New Allies

Just a quick word to some of the people who reviewed:

Alexandra Spar: Thanks for the suggestion concerning Retsalb's multiple names. I'll be using it from this chapter onwards and just wanted to give credit to the person who came up with the idea. Cheers!

Crazycat: Why do I keep torturing Ratchet and fusing him with Megatron? Well, it all began in the summer of '89. My friends and I were discussing Wilde beside a roaring Oxford fire when…

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Starbug can be seen standing over MG Prime's bullet ridden corpse. Her gun still smoking, she turns to the screen.

**Starbug: **So sorry about that. In response to your first question, it is because Ratchet is one of MG Prime's favorite characters. In essence, it's like a young boy tugging a girl's hair to show that he likes her, only in this case the boy is a strange 21-year old American and the girl is a criminally ignored robotic doctor. As for the whole fusion thing, it's just his way of highlighting one of the most bizarre (and, again, overlooked) events in Transformer history.

**MG Prime: **Urrgh…d-damn right!

**Starbug **(smiling tightly)**: **And now, please enjoy the story.

Fade to black.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

**MG Prime: **AIIEE!

Chapter 5: New Allies

We're in one of the Frilly Lampshade's rooms as the door is shoved open and a surprised Warpath is pushed in, followed by Retsalb. As Retsalb closes the door behind him, he gives Warpath a cold glare.

**Retsalb: **You've drawn quite a bit of attention to yourself, Mr. Snuggletrout.

As Retsalb shoots out the light source on the ceiling with his silenced electro-scrambler, Warpath responds thusly.

**Warpath:** Um…hey, foo! What you jibba-jabbin' about? I don't know no Mr. Snuggletrout, beyatch! Word to yo' momma, and so forth! 

**Retsalb:** Chill out, dude. I know you're Warpath Baggins, the unlucky cat who's got lumbered with the Thing of Unicron.'

**Warpath:** You HURT! THROTTLE! do? Who are you?

At this Retsalb drew himself to his full height and adopted a noble pose.

**Retsalb:** I am Retsalb, the mighty Ranger, though I have many other names.

**Warpath:** That's SNORE! WALK! nice. But what I meant was…

**Retsalb** (interrupting)**: **To the G1sh folk I am known as Gabby, He Who Would Not Shut Up. To the Minibots I am known as Crapmaster, Player of Awful Music. And to the Dwarfbots I am known as Spanky, He Who…

Retsalb is interrupted by a massive laser blast to his chest, which sends him flying into the far wall. We now see Warpath in his tank mode, his tank barrel smoking.   

**Warpath:** What I meant was, are you a friend of Ratchet's?

**Spanky:** Indeed I am, young Minibot. Ratchet sent me to guide you on your way to Lotsofcash so that the Thing may be safely dealt with. Is he not here?

**Warpath:** No, for some reason he missed our rendezvous. I hope nothing went wrong.

**Spanky: **I doubt it. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if ol' Ratch was waiting for us in Lotsofcash, fully rested and raring to go.

The scene changes to the Nemesis, where Ratchet, his left side singed and bandaged, is swinging upside down on the roof over a pack of ravenous turbo-mooses*. 

**Ratchet: **HEEEEEEEEELLLLLPPP!

Back in the Frilly Lampshade…

**Warpath: **Eh, you're probably right. C'mon, let's go get the others and be on our way. It's about time this damn story got moving…

*****

The Nemesis, Megatron's chambers…

Megatron, his right side singed and bandaged, is consulting the Diagnostic Drone.

**Megatron: **O mighty and powerful Unicron, hear me! Your humble servant, Megatron the White, requests an audience with thee.

The screen on the front of the Diagnostic Drone is blank for a few seconds before flaring into life, revealing the mighty Nose of Unicron.

**Unicron **(sleepily)**: **Eh? Whuzzat? What's going on?  

**Megatron: **My lord?

**Unicron: **Megatron! You semi-evolved calculator from the Seventh Circle of the Pit! Do you have any idea what time it is?!?

Megatron pauses, realizing that he's in serious trouble here. He nervously looks at his wall mounted clock.

**Megatron: **Um…6:35 p.m.?

**Unicron: **It's three in the morning here, you grotesque pimple in the nostril of life! But, now that I have a chance to talk with you, I want you to build me a mighty army worthy of me, at least 6 million strong.

**Megatron: **As you command, my lord. And you'll be wanting them, what, in about 8 months or so?

**Unicron: **You will have it done by tomorrow morning, you glitch-ridden son of a creepy sex-starved milkman!

**Megatron: **Ah.

Six hours later…

We see Megatron feverishly working away at something lying on a slab as Shrapnel, Bombshell and Kickback enter.

**Shrapnel: **'Sup, Big M, Big M?

Megatron looks up from his work at Shrapnel, a crazed (more so than usual) glint in his eyes.

**Megatron: **Shrapnel.

**Shrapnel: **Yes, yes?

**Megatron: **In my right hand I hold a very sharp diamond bladed scalpel. Call me 'Big M' one more time and I shall insert said scalpel into the most sensitive orifice of your body with as much force as I can muster. Understood?

We now see that Shrapnel is hiding behind his Insecticon comrades.

**Shrapnel: **I'll be good, good.

**Bombshell: **How goes Unicron's new army?

**Megatron: **Have a look for yourselves.

Megatron lifts the sheet to reveal the prone body of Autobot X. The Insecticons give it a look over.

**Kickback: **What's up with the mismatched body parts?

**Megatron: **My body-building guide suggested it as the most efficient way to build a solider.

Megatron hands a book to Bombshell.

**Bombshell: **Huh? This isn't a body-building book!

**Megatron: **It isn't?

**Bombshell: **No! It's actually _Wake the Dead_, the new comic book by Steve Niles!

Bombshell shove the book towards the camera, so that all we can see is the cover.

**Shrapnel: **Steve Niles, Niles? You mean the writer of such hits as _30 Nights _and _Dark Days, Days_?

**Bombshell: **The very same, Shrapnel!

**Kickback: **Wow! A modern day take on the Frankenstein legend, available at a reasonable price at all good comic book stores worldwide!

**Insecticons: **EXCELSIOR!

Off screen, three people in suits hand the Insecticons large bags of money, which they pocket gleefully. Megatron puts his face in the palm of his hands.

**Megatron: **If you're quite finished? It is time for me to give the first of Unicron's soldiers life.

Megatron pulls a suspiciously Matrix shaped device out of subspace and holds it over Autobot X, ready to give him life. Just as he's about to open it up, Bombshell grabs his arm.

**Bombshell: **Wait!

**Megatron: **Oh, for…what now?

**Bombshell: **Don't you see what you're doing? By giving this abomination life, you will be unleashing a unholy terror upon us all! A fiend who will delight in misery and death, so long as it's not his own!  A BEAST WHO WILL SPELL THE END FOR ALL OF MIDDLE-CYBERTRON AND STRANGLE US WITH OUR OWN FUEL PUMPS! ARMAGEDDON!

There is silence.

**Megatron: **Your point?

**Bombshell: **No point. I'm just saying, is all.

Megatron shakes his head and opens the Matrix-like device over Autobot X, bathing the creature in a blue light. Presently, his optics begin to glow…

*****

Meanwhile, we see three messengers from Lotsofcash driving/flying in different directions. We see the first deliver a message to Skids, the eldest son of the Steward of Gonpork. The second give his message to Brawn, the mighty Dwarfbot lord. The third delivers his message to Perceptor, the prince of the forest G1ers, but only after enduring a thirty minute lecture on the mating habits of Iaconian turbo-mooses**. 

The message? Something about traveling to Lotsofcash to discuss some Thing or another…

To be continued…

*Don't bother telling me I'm wrong about this. That is the definitive plural of moose!

**Dammit, it is! STOP STARING AT ME LIKE THAT!

**Bombshell: **ARMAGEDDON! 


	6. How to build an army of darkness in thre...

Welcome to the world of answered questions, Saphire Cat! And the answers to your questions are: 

1. The elves will be a combination of G1 and Beast Wars characters, mostly of the Autobot/Maximal variety.

2. Not quite yet. If I do, it'll probably be in the later chapters.

Now, story time!

Chapter 6: How to build an army of darkness in three easy steps 

We're in the Nemesis as Autobot X (hereafter to be referred to as X) sits up as Megatron and the Insecticons watch.

X: Hypothesis: I live. Conclusion:…

From out of nowhere, Holo-Shockwave runs in and beans X with a steel girder.

Holo-Shockwave: That's for stealing my shtick!

As suddenly as he appeared, Holo-Shockwave disappears.

X: Uurgh…

Megatron: …Well then. Allow me to be the first to welcome you to life, X! May you live long and prosper in service to me and the almighty Unicron…

X leaps to his feet.

X: Just a minute! Don't I get a say in this? What if I don't want to…

X trails off as a fusion cannon is aimed at his face and three smaller guns at his crotch.

X (quickly): What is your command, master?

Megatron: Nothing yet. Now that I know that the procedure works, I can build Unicron's army and conquer Middle Cybertron! Insecticons!

Insecticons: Yeah?

Megatron: Bring me the raw materials I need for the army's construction!

Shrapnel: And where would they be, be?

Megatron: Supply Chamber B-7.

The Insecticons share a few nervous glances.

Kickback: Supply Chamber B-7?

Megatron: Yes, Supp…(sees the Insecticons faces)…what have you done now?

Bombshell: Well…you know how last month was a bit lean in terms of food?

Megatron: Yes?

Shrapnel: And you know how our clone army needs to be kept well fed, well fed?

Megatron: Ye…wait…are you telling me your clones…ATE my spare body parts?

Kickback: Yep.

Megatron: …ALL OF THEM?

Bombshell: Uh…yep.

A moment of unnatural calm. Then…

Megatron: YOU IDIOTS! Do you realize that my continued existence hinges on me creating an army for Unicron in a few hours? DO YOU?!?

As Megatron takes a threatening step forward, Shrapnel leaps into Bombshell's arms, who leaps into Kickback's arms, who flips over Megatron to land in X's arms, who quickly backs away from the rampaging Meggy.

Shrapnel: C-calm down, chief, chief!

Bombshell: Yeah! Look, why don't we consult Wake the Dead again? Maybe it has a contingency plan for this sort of emergency.

Megatron (gritting his teeth): Very well. Proceed.

Kickback quickly brings Issue 2 of Wake the Dead out of his subspace pocket and reads through it silently for a few minutes as Megatron taps his foot impatiently.

Megatron: Well? What does it say we should do?

Kickback: Um…according to this, one of us should sleep with the town sheriff's beautiful daughter, get discovered by said sheriff and then get beaten up and tossed naked into the pouring rain.

Everyone is silent for a moment as Megatron gapes in disbelief at Kickback. Finally, X speaks up.

X: I'll do it.

Megatron: AAGH! I'm surrounded by idiocy! Where am I going to find an army now?

Shrapnel's face brightens as an idea forms in his head.

Shrapnel: Well, well…

*****

An hour later…

Outside of Nemesis now, we see Mixmaster, Scavenger, Long Haul and Bonecrusher working on a massive underground chamber as Megatron talks with Shrapnel, Hook and Scrapper.

Megatron (to Shrapnel): Explain to me again how this will get me army.

Shrapnel: It's simple, boss, boss. Utilizing the famous phrase 'Money doesn't grow on trees', I deduced that, logically, soldiers must grow underground, ground.

Megatron: What the…?

Hook: It's true. You can't argue with logic that infallible.

Scrapper: No sirree bob.

Megatron glares at them for a moment before putting his head in his hands.

Megatron: Alright, fine. Seeing as how I have no choice, how long and how much will this work take/cost?

Scrapper: Well, we've still got about 60% of the job left to do…add in coffee breaks, donut breaks and Scrabble breaks…and we'll be done in about, say, ten minutes? Nine if we immediately decide on what color to use for the breeding chambers.

Hook: As for cost, given that we've taken all the materials we need from Gestalt Forest…

We see Bonecrusher and Long Haul toss a generic gestalt into the pit.

Hook: …all that you need to pay is our fee, which I believe you'll find is quite reasonable.

Hook hands Megatron a datapad. He reads it silently and with a neutral expression. Once he's finished, he takes out a flask of energon from subspace, takes a swig and reads the pad again, this time spraying a stream of energon out of his mouth in shock.

Megatron: SIX MILLION CREDITS?!?

Scrapper: What? Let me see that.

Megatron hands the pad to Scrapper, who shakes his head.

Scrapper: Oh, no, no, no. This isn't right at all.

Hook: No?

Scrapper: Absolutely not. Let me just factor in a few key elements…and there we go!

Scrapper hands the pad back to Megatron. He looks at the new figure and then at the two Constructicons, his mouth opening and closing several times.

Scrapper: Something wrong?

Megatron: Th-this is twenty-seven times more than the first amount!

Scrapper: Union rules, bub. You hire us for a Saturday, we hike up the price.

Hook (to Scrapper): You da man!

Hook and Scrapper high-five and walk off, laughing.

Shrapnel: Look at this way boss, boss. This is your only chance to build Unicron's army, army.

Megatron (faraway tone): Indeed.

Megatron turns to Shrapnel and lays a hand on his shoulder. 

Megatron: Shrapnel, I've always looked though highly of you as a top henchman.

Shrapnel: Really, really?

Megatron: Indeed. Which is why I want you, if this plan fails and I meet my end at Unicron's metaphorical hands, to think this one thought about me.

Megatron leans in so his face is just an inch or two from Shrapnel's.

Megatron: I'll be back to get you!

*****

Meanwhile, some distance away, Spanky and the Minibots have made camp for the night. After a few minutes of sitting there silently, Warpath speaks up.

Warpath: Uh, Spanky…

Spanky: I'm no longer called Spanky.

Warpath: Oh, lord. What are you called then?

Spanky: You may call Captain Jim Crackle Squirrel Nuts McCheesecake.

Silence.

Warpath: …No.

Gabby: Worth a shot. What do you want?

Warpath: It's about those Thingwraiths. Are you sure they can't track us?

Gabby: Fear not, my young friend. I left a little surprise back in the Frilly Lampshade should they find out we were there.

As Warpath nods in response, the town of SQUEE!, just barely visible from here, explodes in a fantastic display of light and noise. The Minibots stare at the giant mushroom cloud in shock as Gabby regards it thoughtfully. Bits of debris from SQUEE! land all around them.

Gabby: Hmm. Maybe I should've lowered the explosive yield. Ah, well at least we dealt with the Thingwraiths with minimal fuss.

On the s of fuss, Grimlock's energo sword falls from the sky and buries itself up to its hilt in Warpath's chest. Warpath shares a look of disbelief with Gabby before the former collapses to the ground in a faint. Everyone regards the fallen Thingbearer silently for a moment. 

Cliffjumper: Man, what're the odds, huh?

To be continued…


End file.
